“Why I choose to be childfree” – Suchismita Dasgupta

Posted: August 17, 2015 in Uncategorized

“… I think that childfree by choice is the new gay. We’re the new disenfranchised group. People think we’re irresponsible, immoral sluts and that our lifestyle is up for debate.”

Suchismita Dasgupta

Suchismita Dasgupta

Suchismita Dasgupta wrote this on her Facebook wall a few days back. I was not surprised though. She is someone who has always spoken her mind and not always done exactly what society expected her to do. That is why Suchismita, though happily married, has decided not to be a mother.

In this post Suchismita, in her inimitable bold style, has penned her thoughts on being childfree in Indian society:

What’s a good reason to have a child?

Yes, it’s a bit tiring! I got married at 33 and have been hearing since I was 23 when am I going to get married? Then around 30, if I don’t get married now then when will I have kids? Then 7 years after getting married, I am still told ‘but you will make such a wonderful mother’ or ‘you will miss them when you are older’ or ‘it is so selfish not to have a child’ or ‘who will look after you when you are old?’. It has always made me wonder are these reasons good enough to have a child when you and your partner do not want one?

My masseuse came today for the first time. Yes I am 41 and till now didn’t think massage was important. Anyway coming back to the point, she asked me my age etc. and then children? When I replied that I don’t have any her next question was ‘naoni na hoyni’, literally translated it means, you haven’t taken one or it didn’t happen???!!!

How can a child just “happen”?

I find this word ‘happen’ extremely infuriating. In India everything seems to be happening to you. Marriage happens to you, child happens to you, misfortune happens to you and the list is endless. As if we are a bunch of reproduction machines, programmed to get married, consummate the same and reproduce. If you have not done any of them, then you are an irresponsible person bringing shame to the family.

Am I supposed to feel guilty for not having a maternal instinct?

I once had a conversation with a woman; she and her husband adopted a girl when she was about 40. This was soon after our marriage and she took it upon herself to tell me how important having children was. When I told her that I love children as long as they go back to someone else’s home, she said I was plain selfish, someone who doesn’t like children is not worth talking to. Now that suited me fine, I really didn’t care but it made me wonder how patriarchal and institutionalised this whole thought process was. I am sure there would be many (in my shoes) who would have felt guilty after this conversation for not having a lot of maternal instinct.

It’s a well-thought out decision made by two people

In seven and a half years of marriage my husband and I both asked each other many times if the other really wanted a child and was not saying that because of the decision we took jointly and each time after a lot of discussion and deliberation the answer has remained the same. I still think to myself sometimes what if? But then I realise I am too settled in my life as it is right now; there’s no reason why I should change it! It might be for better or for worse but since I do not feel the urge to change it, I won’t do it and I don’t think I owe this to anyone either.

I think there should be a reason to have a child

Everyone should have a reason to have a child. A child should not just ‘happen’ to you because that’s the way you have known things to ‘happen’. Some of my friends and acquaintances have given birth to a ‘bandaid’ child; they gave birth because they think the child will save their relationship.

I feel instant pity for the poor child and the baggage it is born with. Added to this will be the pressure to perform and cope with the constant competition between the parents for attention.

A child is not born to fulfill dreams

Many parents want to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams through their children. I know someone who tells his two-year-old daughter that she has to become a doctor. I see parents treating their children like a talking doll. You go to their place, they call their children and ask them to show all the skills they have acquired. Who cares if the child hates to perform in front of strangers.

Suchismita in a Nextiles creation

Suchismita in a Nextiles creation

I am a doting aunt but can’t do this full time

I as an individual have no such personal crisis or future plans, in fact, I have no maternal instinct either (yeah go on call me a slut) and to be absolutely honest, I feel extremely settled and comfortable in the current state of being and I somehow don’t want to disturb that. My sudden motherhood rushes (like chocolate rush) are fulfilled by my absolute gorgeous nieces and nephews with whom I have a mutual adoration club. In fact, being a favourite aunt to many for the last 16 years, I realised, I cannot do it full time. So whilst being an aunt absolutely suits me, being a mother definitely doesn’t.

Why can’t a woman challenge social norms?

Our upbringing leads us to believe that women are the reproduction agents, who “must” look after children, home etc. We have enough books, films, television to support and coax you into that system. However the time has changed, we don’t think in terms of man and woman as genders anymore. It’s also about time we treat each other as individuals. I (a woman) as an individual may not want to give birth/adopt, breast feed/look after feeding, be woken up in the middle of night, or wake up the child in the morning to take to school. My choice, right?

Making a choice does not mean disregarding a system

Just like you don’t ask an individual (at least I should think you don’t), do you have a car? A bungalow? A pet dog? A Rolex watch? An M. F. Hussain painting? Don’t ask do you have a child? They are all pretty much a matter of choice and affordability.

At this point, I must apologise to some of you who might have been upset by the points I have picked up. That definitely wasn’t my intention. To me/us children have always been a matter of choice; the likes of us don’t believe that we must condone a system if we didn’t want to.

My choice comes with huge responsibility

To me this world has lost its story; and I must say I don’t think that this world deserves another new life, definitely not someone I will be bringing up. So let’s go back to the matter of choice. We all have a right to choose, like you choose to have a child, I choose not to have one. And to be honest this choice too comes with a huge responsibility. One day may be we will learn to respect that. Till then I live with hope.

About Suchismita:

If you have been raving about Sujoy Ghosh’s short film Ahalya then you should also know that Suchismita was the dress designer of the film. Not only that one she was the designer for Kahaani, and some of her designs were used in Parineeta. She was the winner of the Best Costume Award at Madrid International Film Festival 2013 for her work in the Bengali film Koyekti Meyer Galpo. Till date she has been the costume designer for more than two dozen films and one of the noted recent releases is Kadambari.

(From left:) Radhika Apte, make-up artist Aniruddha Chakladar, Tota Roy Choudhury and Suchismita on the sets of Ahalya

(From left:) Radhika Apte, make-up artist Aniruddha Chakladar, Tota Roy Choudhury and Suchismita on the sets of Ahalya

Growing up in Kolkata, Suchismita Dasgupta felt the need of creating comfortable yet exclusive garments using the traditional textiles and techniques. Hence, she formed Nextiles in 2004.

Nextiles focuses on the most important aspects: fabric, fit, and tailoring quality. Working closely with the weavers, embroiderers and printers from all over India, Nextiles’ main focus is to translate the traditional handwork into styles that suit the urban needs.

Nasseruddin Shah, Sujoy Ghosh, Soumik Sen, Swastika Mukherjee, Paoli Dam, Sahana Bajpayee, Aniruddha Chakladar, Ananya Chatterjee, Bidipta Chakraborty and Aparajita Ghosh are celebs who swear by Nextiles.

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Comments
  1. C. Sarker says:

    I appreciate and respect the writer’s pen. And I truly believe that all these words might be the words for many Indian woman who either not to choose to speak their mind or could not able to. The most important word is that “happen” thing…we should all need to seriously think about it. Marriage and Children are not any “happen” thing, These are it’s a great decision with a vow of huge responsibility. Kudos Suchishmita.

    Regards
    C.

  2. Anumita Bhattacharya Goel says:

    What a brilliantly articulated write up Suchismita .. I echo the sentiments and sharing the same on my page. You made a choice with dignity that defies the norms! Here’s to many more such unabashed write ups .. Am following your blog and FB page 😊

  3. Samhita says:

    Hi,
    It was refreshing to read your candid opinion. Here’s my two bits: my reproduction ability, I had to give up to carcinoma. My husband strongly felt that a childless healthy wife was a much better option than a motherless infant on his hands. And though I LOVE babies, I kind of saw his point. So that was that.
    Next came the question of adoption. And we were flooded with well-meaning, if somewhat insensitive, good advice. At first, secretly I used to feel guilty for not wanting a child in our life just then. I need to feel strong enough, I used to tell myself, to go for it. I’m not well, was my standard answer to the inevitable question “no child yet?”
    Time passed. I regained my strength, both physically and mentally. I realised that my life was full, from the happiness and care and friendship I get from my husband, the unconditional love and support I get from my immediate family (including my super-supportive in-laws) and close friends, the love and adoration and instant connection I share with my nieces and nephews. Life is good.
    So yes, here I stand, happy and childless, by choice. 🙂

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Dear Samhita,
      I read your post a few times, it’s so powerful that I kept reading… power to you! I feel humbled in front of your experience! May you always be in control of your life and have people around you for who you are…
      All the very best )

  4. Somdev Sen says:

    I read the blog with a lot of interest and curiosity at the same time. I completely respect the author’s choice to not have a child, and the very typical societal reactions to that choice. While I can completely relate to the situations (having been born and raised in Kolkata), I thought the ‘Patriarchal’ characterization to be a little one sided. Most Matriarchal societies through history have been as keen on procreation as the next one, if not more.
    I am of course in complete agreement with her that even for couples who decide to have a child, it needs to be for the right reasons – not ‘band aid’, or a surrogate for a pet, a Rolex or a talking doll (although I’d like to think that these are examples that probably belong to a near psychotic fringe of the society). Unlike her, however, I do feel a child is the reflection of self, even though the reflection will never (and should not) turn into a mirror image. To me, my parents are alive in me, and I hope to be remain in my child’s concisousness when I’m long gone. My humble opinion (and choice) for what it’s worth.

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Thank you so much for taking time to read and comment. Much appreciated 🙂 The reason for using the word ‘patriarchy’ in this case was; my experience says a man probably never has to face the parenthood question as many times as a woman does. Even when a man faces it, it’s asked by friends in a more private situation whereas a woman has to face it in every social gathering she goes. It’s almost an infringement in her privacy. To end this I will use a quote by someone who read this and made the following comment; ‘I strongly feel motherhood to be a romanticized version of patriarchal control.. Motherhood is glorified … I feel frustrated’ thank you!

      • Sushmita Ghatak says:

        Dear Suchismita,
        very well articulated and boldly written. I respect all your thoughts because I share the same. I mean this ‘happening’ bit the most. I, for myself didnt let marraige or education just ‘happen’ to me due to societal pressures. I went ahead and got married when I wanted to and I took up the field of education that I was passionate for and now I want to be a mother only because I have the maternal instincts for it and not because I want a bandaid child or because my parents want to be grandparents. I am happy that you wrote about it and am happy to see/learn from other comments that many others think similar. Its a painful fact that in normal Indian households you mostly cannot live a life on your own terms. Me living in Germany for the last four years has made my life much easier because here I can live the life of my own choice. But even if i had continued to live in india I would have (with struggles of course) lived my OWN life.Its so normal in the western world to take such decisions and still be regarded as ‘normal’ (whatever that word may mean) humans than be called a ‘slut’/selfish/blunt etc etc. I will become a mother only when my maternal instincts push me to that extent…otherwise I am very happy and fulfilled in my life to remain a childless but everone’s (even my neighbours’ kids like me) favorite aunt BY CHOICE.

  5. Kritika says:

    Appreciate ur article as the decision to have a child or not is a couple’s domain and it is in no way something that should “happen(out of compulsion)”. However I do feel just like love, children should be born without any reason, neither pro benefits nor coz of any adversary their absence may propose. They should however ” happen( out of feeling)”.

  6. Sayantika Chakraborty says:

    Thank you for such an insightful post. I am 25 and I can already relate to this. Since last 3 years I have been hearing about how an early marriage and children will benefit me in the long run, while what I want to do is to carry on with my research work solely.

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Sayantika, thank you! More power to you girl! I hope you get to do exactly what you want. Follow your dreams… you live only once.

  7. Fabulous piece and I could not agree more. I am childfree for now and for very similar reasons. I don’t want to have a child for the sake of it or just cos people expect me to. I have been told tens of things on this and I keep hearing but it’s a choice I am making. https://happinessandfood.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/please-dont-ask-me/ was a post I wrote once about the questions people keep asking me!

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Great Parul! Thank you so much for your words 🙂 Let a child not come for the wrong reason… that’s probably the worst baggage the child will be born with… All the best to you.

  8. RUMNI MUKHERJEE says:

    O Suchismita…you just spoke my mind. Being childless couple, this has been the question coming too us quite often.I wont say “we didnt want it”but then honestly we didnt break our head over it as well, And I have my nieces to pamper and be their favourite aunt ……….it’s way better than spoiling your life on a child who packs you off to the old age home ..I might as well walk in there once I feel living all by myself is geeting difficult.
    Having a child is never a life saving policy!!!!

  9. Snehal says:

    Very well written. I guess having one kid makes people ask me why I don’t have two. I’am blamed for letting my poor child grow up alone. LOL. So the questions never stop coming and it’s time we led our lives our way….

  10. praptighosh says:

    Excellent read. But wondering when it is said that to not have a child is an individual’s choice in the same breath can we pass judgement on the reason of why someone else is having a child ? Again to each his/her own. I don’t need to have a child to save my marriage but why to crucify if someone is shaving that reason ??? What happens to respecting the choice in this case … Love the title – “Why I choose to be child free” … respect the choice without seeking explanation or justification. Shouldn’t we also respect the choice – ” Why I choose to be with a child” without labeling the reasons …

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Thank you 🙂 understand to each their own! It’s just my opinion and I may be wrong; but I do think a child should come because one wants a child. It is an extra baggage on the child if it has to come to the world to save something /to be somebody etc. Just an extra pressure the child may do without… Again just my thought!

      • Adarsh Sahni says:

        I think I agree with Prapati Ghosh. Just as you are entitled to making your choices, others are too. If a couple decides to have a child to improve their relationship than what’s wrong with it as long as child is well taken care of? IMO their reason to have child holds an equal merit as yours to not to have one.

      • amritaspeaks says:

        Hi Adarsh,
        I went through both your comments and I think you have not read fully through the post where Suchismita explains why she doesn’t want a child talking about her lack of maternal instinct and she doesn’t feel the need to bring another life in this world.
        Also you are right it is absolutely a person’s choice to bring a child in this world but it is also important that a child is born out of love between the parents and not because the parents want to improve the relationship then that means love has taken a beating there. Two people should have enough maturity to be able to make their relationship better themselves and not depend on a new life to do it for them. It is entirely my view though you might choose to differ. Also having a baby is the most stressful thing (no sleep, no time to yourself) I sometimes feel it might put more strain on an already fizzling out relationship than put the “bandaid” on it. People might just plunge into it because how they are socially conditioned not realising what they are getting into.

        Cheers
        Amrita

  11. Rosy Paul Chowdhury says:

    As always this time too I liked Suchismita dis viewpoint. I became a mother 5 months back and am glad my child was not a so called Plan Baby…. I completely agree child is not something to happen…. And should not be a consequence of a social turmoil

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Thank you Rosy 🙂 you are absolutely right… a child is very special and we need more mothers like you!

  12. dips says:

    Thanks for penning this. As a 37 year old woman who has so far chosen not to have children, I am constantly reminded about my biological clock by “well-meaning” aunts and uncles. And that’s when they aren’t telling me how I really need to provide grandchildren for my parents/ in-laws. Oh and I forgot to mention, I am married to the only guy in the family which creates it’s own set of recriminations. I also happen to have a successful career; which of course puts me in the “career oriented, not family oriented” category- because the two are apparently mutually exclusive!

    My husband and I are in sync about this decision since we got married 6 years ago. Every now and then we have a conversation about it, look lovingly at our pet dog, and decide it isn’t for us. I might change my mind a couple of years down the road; but that’s our choice to make. I’d rather have/adopt a child when I’m ready to be a mother than bring one into the world and resent it- and yes, resentful mothers are out there, even though the enduring media images of mothers might want us to believe otherwise. Just because you can be a parent, doesn’t mean you should be one. And certainly don’t think you can decide that for someone else.

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      That is exactly my point 🙂 Choice and being able to exercise a choice should be available to everyone. I hear this all the time, only after you have a child, you will know what you were missing! But if I am not missing it in the first place why should I want to experience it? Like I don’t want to do bungee jumping either! I might enjoy that too!
      Power to you both and power to the choice you make….

  13. koushik says:

    Hope at least 90% of human(male or female) can think like u then only can save the human race. To save human race there need a mass extinction of human.

  14. lore says:

    As a mother of three I cannot imagine my life without my children. However, I totally understand the choice that is available of whether to have a family or not. I am asked many times about grandchildren, as my children are now already pretty well past the child bearing age. I have no grandchildren for my children have decided that motherhood/fatherhood is not for them. I have never asked them for a reason nor have I ever had the urge to suggest to them that they should have a child to make me a grandmother. It is none of my business. I feel that for a parent/friend/relative to question the choice another makes regarding whether to have a child is rude and absolutely no one else’s business. I am glad that the choice is available today, there are too many of us humans on this fragile planet already.

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Thank you 🙂 I hope there are more parents like you. In our case both side of parents always respected our choice and never put any pressure on us! They too face immense pressure from their peers regarding the matter, but they never pass on the pressure on us.

  15. Pavithra says:

    I can soooooooo relate to this. It is very nice (honestly) to know that there are other women who share my views on this. I have been married for 7 years and have been in d same conscious decision so far, for exactly all the reasons you have put across. And I find the term bandaid child so apt for many marriages, and feel it is the saddest plight for both d child and the marriage!

  16. Cannot agree more. I come from a generation when I was “married off” at eighteen and had my only child at 20. I was divorced at 23 years. I spent my entire life bringing up my son. I love my son totally. Yet I am sure that if I had received the benefit of doing a career course of my choice I would take my time making my choice.

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Yes, so well explained…We still live in a country where many still cannot choose or get married off, or must procreate.

  17. nautankinari says:

    I am a mother and I feel very strongly about motherhood. But at the same time I totally respect individual decisions of where to have a child or not. I hate it when I am compared to my cousins at family functions…”See she is married and has a child at the right age, and you girls are older and still not following the laws of nature.” I cringe at the thought that my family members think I am following the laws of nature because I have married at 25 and have a child by 26.” I feel reduced to a human being who has reached her goal in life by marrying and procreating. Yes marriage and motherhood is a huge part of me, but I am more than a mother, more than a wife, and I shudder to think that in my ‘progressive’ family, I am looked up as the ideal daughter, not because of my achievements in life, not because I of my qualities as a human being, not because I am good to others, not because I am a daredevil who goes on solo travels across the world; but because I married at the ‘right’ age and became a mother soon after!

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Very well put! You are right, right age of marriage and having child is so glorified and romanticized, you feel almost as if that’s all you have done ‘right’ in life. As if as a woman that’s where your fulfillment begins and ends… Let this not bother you as long as you are happy of who you are and what you have done, nothing else should matter 🙂

  18. Ritu says:

    I read it with great interest and love it. I absolutely respect your choice and I wish more of us can stand up for what they want in life. Have a child for the sake of love of a child not because your own selfish reasons.

  19. Adarsh Sahni says:

    Just like some other posters here, I completely respect author’s decision not to have children. You don’t owe it to anyone. Having a child is a personal decision and a responsibility. One thing I am still not clear is why she doesn’t want to have a child. The only impression I got from the article was that she was set in certain way of lifestyle which she is very happy/comfortable with and doesn’t want to change. This can be more than enough to not have a child but am I missing something here??

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Adarsh, you are absolutely right! I am extremely happy and comfortable with the life I have and don’t want to change it 🙂 I really don’t think I need any more reason than that…

    • Adarsh, I think a lot of people wonder why the childfree don’t want children. It’s so difficult to explain. Think of a profession that you really admire, but you have absolutely no interest in pursuing, such as heart surgery or fire fighting. I have the utmost respect for people who do these things and contribute to society in such profound ways, but I would be absolutely miserable if I had to do them myself. Parenting is one of those things that makes me miserable to even think about. I knew that it was unappealing to me as soon as I had sentient memory, just like I knew I disliked the taste of okra, playing with baby dolls, and competitive sports. Nothing about that has changed over time. Being childfree is a part of someone’s essence, much like being gay. You simply “are”.

  20. A child should always come into the world because of the unconditional love that the parents have for each other, NOTHING ELSE!!! The issue is the mindset of the passing generation which needs to change & shouldn’t influence the current generation. Respect your views & decision. Personally, one should have children for he/she is a reflection of their partner’s love after all it’s the act of love that leads to it.

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Yes and sometimes you don’t need a child to see reflection of your partner’s love 🙂 to each their own!

  21. Rami Hmar says:

    Why do people have to explain their decision and opinion in order to prove themself right infront of others. when they are happy and agree to it. Ain’t it enough.
    Beauty of motherhood has no words to explain. It is something which a person has to experience it then only will understand it.

  22. amritaspeaks says:

    Hi Rami,
    Don’t we have a 1000 articles on women writing about their motherhood experiences? What’s wrong in having an article where someone says she doesn’t want to be a mother?
    There is no doubt motherhood is beautiful but why do we presume that everyone would want to experience it? I am a mother myself and I am enjoying my journey every bit but I will never deny that being a mother is the most difficult job I have ever done and will never advise anyone to take it on without being totally prepared for it.

    Hope you get my point.

    Cheers
    Amrita

  23. Choosing to be a mother should arise from your gut, from your heart and soul. When you want to be a mother, you’ll feel that deep yearning from within. Let it not be a ‘decision’ you need to take. Let it not happen due to fears and insecurities. Nurturing those young souls is a spiritual journey. One cannot tread such a journey without feeling the connection from within.

    P.S. I truly appreciated this article and the honesty and openness to it. But, I didn’t like the tone of the title. ‘Why I chose to be ‘childfree’. That word ‘childfree’ sounds in the same vein as ‘disease free’ or ‘gluten free’ or ‘sugar free’ or well….’mosquito free’! To me, it sounded as though a child is in that miserable league – being free of which is a healthy option. I would not choose such a word.

    Best Wishes,
    Rashmie
    http://www.mommy-labs.com

    • amritaspeaks says:

      Hi Rashmie,
      Thank you for writing in and I completely agree with you that a thirst for a child should come from deep within.
      As for “childfree” it is a word used in the modern world to denote people who don’t have a child and I feel the word is less judgmental and intrusive than “childless”.
      Every word is open to all kinds of interpretation and depends on how you want to interpret it.

      Cheers
      Amrita

  24. Sandhya says:

    What an wonderful article Amrita……. I agree totally with you about one’s own decision about having a child in their life. I am married for the past 6 years and I really dont feel that not having a child is a problem…… Me and my hubby both are happy with each other…. And have no reason to feel guilty about being labelled as “childless” by the society. As clearly written above being a favourite aunt of my nephews is also an maternal instinct. God bless you …… And may you always write such wonderful thought provoking articles

  25. sangeeta das says:

    Dear Suchismita, why didn’t I read your blog before. I mean, it was as if you read my mind and penned it down. Just few days back, celebrated ten years of togetherness with my husband and continuing. Never had a day where I felt I should need a child. “Having” a child is so different from “needing” a child. I do love children and adore them, as long as its for fun and for few hours only. And I realized having a child is like having a barbie doll, good to have but not mandatory, which meant it would be injustice to the child too. And off course giving away my personal space and freedom.I run my own business in health and beauty, for which I meet so many women and most have asked me “why not kids”? When I ask them back ” why kids”, trust me I never got an appealing answer. My family has now gradually started accepted that I do speak my own mind. As far my husband is concerned, he is too happy with me. I do check on him on this matter every now and then, bless him,his response never changed and that makes me so contended. Whats the point of having a child and then blame him/her because the child took away all my precious time. I just loved what you wrote. I always felt there are women out there like me, but when I read your blog, I just adored it. A big Hi5 to you. you gave me a reason to dream something different 🙂

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Thank you so much Sangeeta. You absolutely echoed my mindset and my life! Couldn’t agree more with you 🙂

  26. Mini says:

    First of all it is great to hear that you stood by your decision and did not succumb to the social pressure. Secondly, you can’t say you don’t have maternal instincts because you are a doting aunt and I’m sure you have caring attitude towards friends and family. Those are all maternal instincts and motherly love.
    However you seem to have read the expression of “did it not happen?” incorrectly. People by nature are curious and want to know if you had issues conceiving due to some medical reason and this is their polite way of asking it.

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      Yes! And I find that curiosity quite disturbing. This is such a personal matter that I think it must not be commented upon.

  27. abhijit bandhu says:

    Sometimes I really think excess of anything is seriously wrong. Excess of freedom or excess of rational thinking too. By going through your article I remember when I met one such radical thinker who told me why to waste one glass of milk or fruits on the stone idol of lord Shiva. We should give it to some poor child. I replied him that boss I have enough money to feed some poor child as well as worshiping my Lord Shiva. Similarly, the whole story is written to hide the writers i.e. yours incapability to take more responsibility. To become a MOTHER in true sense is to become GOD for someone till that someone’s death. And about the orphans, you can raise your own child with a orphan. You can easily raise two kids. But again radical thinkers, freedom overdose etc slowly pushing towards mean, selfish world which is full of ME MYSELF I MY bla bla bla etc. On the contrary, Mother means the most selfless woman on earth for his child. She can fight with the whole world to save her children, she will provide whatever she has to her child.They are the Angels in true sense and Angels cannot be mean and selfish. And as you mentioned in your article, you like those children as soon as they go to someone else home. Can love be conditional? Love is pious, non conditional in which you have to accept the good and the bad of the people.

    • amritaspeaks says:

      Hi Abhijit,
      You are talking about a perception of a mother that has been fed to you by society and not the mother of reality. It is the biggest myth to say that the mother is the most selfless person in the whole world because then as a mothers-in-law so many Indian moms would not have made the life of their sons a living hell.
      Also motherhood is the most difficult job, a reality that women are rarely told. I have seen so many mothers resent motherhood because of the sacrifices that come with it and they take it out on the child by being abusive or overtly strict or even non caring.
      I think it is better to be a woman who knows what she wants and who knows if motherhood suits her or not than to become a mother and not be able to give 100 per cent to your child.

      Cheers
      Amrita

      • abhijit bandhu says:

        Hi Amrita,

        I have gone through your reply and find some negative things and some facts. First if you don’t find true love, that doesn’t mean, true love doesn’t exist. Similarly if you haven’t seen mothers love, sacrifice, feelings for her children, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

        Still when I go my hometown, my mother used to cook my favorite recipe and continuously staring at me while I was eating. I can see a smile when I tell her that it’s the best food I can get anywhere in the world. Every day she used to wake me up. So they really care about your whereabouts. But many youngsters find that as attacking their privacy.

        Come to mother in laws, they are bad, have very hard feelings, dowry monsters as shown in Ekta kapoor’s dramas. But now days, wives want their husband to live separate from their family. So basically they separate their husbands from their parents when they perhaps need their son the most (with time they get old that’s why).

        When you are living together, small difference will be there and you all have to sort those things. This is happening in every family. I hope this must have happened with you mom-dad too. So those can be sorted.

        Now coming to the point that knowing something from others which you haven’t experienced. Most of us complains or discuss problems but they don’t disclose the moments of happiness they enjoy. In the movie “Life in a metro”, Irfan khan said a very good line – “gadi bahar nikalo, kyunki jab tak gadi bahar nahi nikaaloge to kaise pata chalega signal red hai ki green hai.” So you first take the experience, take your chance and then feel what motherhood is. Or the best thing is you can ask you MOM about how she had felt the day when you came to this world and how she felt now because of you? Hopefully you will get the answer. Period.

        Regards,
        Abhijit Bandhu

      • amritaspeaks says:

        Hi Abhijit,
        Once again you have not got what I have said. I am a doting mother myself but I wholeheartedly support Suchismita. Because I believe in freedom of choice.

        Cheers
        Amrita

      • kashyap2016 says:

        It’s all about upbringing of women.The feminism influenced ones are those who usually deny to be mothers. One thing that I noticed with them is that, most of the times they regret that at an old age.

        And Indian mothers make their son’s life hell? Perhaps, you should get a man’s perspective. The way, men and women think has a radical contrasting difference. What seems hell to you ,might not be hell to a man. Women create stormy fights out of small petty issues. Men don’t, or rarely do so.That’s why it seems to you that Indian mothers make their son’s life hell.

    • Rajashree Samaddar says:

      Abhijit, I am not a very good writer like you but I can feel each and every word you wrote. Thanks dear. So proud of you and your thoughts. I have a 15 months old boy for whom I have left my job which was my passion once upon a time ( I have won 56th National Award, 2008 as a Senior Animator). People ask me why I had to leave my job .. My simple answer is.. I did not want to miss a single “first time” of my baby.. the first turn back, the first step, the first word ” Mamma”. And of course each and every single second of the day with my son.Thank you.

      • amritaspeaks says:

        Hi Rajashree,
        Thank you for penning down your thoughts here and as I completely agree with you I also completely agree with Suchismita. Like you I had given up a very successful career and a good pay pack when i had my son just because i wanted to to spend all my time with him. But this has been my choice like there are a lot of women who choose to continue to work after having a child and i have immense respect and admiration for them for doing the balancing job. And I asked Suchismita to write her views in this blog because I absolutely respect her choice too. And in our society what you and i chose is much easier than what she chosen because she went against the norm. As I said it is a myth to believe that every woman has maternal instinct it is also a myth that a generation will come to an end if a few people choose not to procreate. In fact, I hope you know we are heading for a food shortage because of our alarming population growth.
        Congrats on your National Award. I am sure you are enjoying every moment with your son. It’s worth it.
        Cheers
        Amrita

      • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

        Congrats Rajashree! I do see your point as I would have done the same had I become mother accidentally… but of course you don’t see mine! But then as I believe in freedom of expression, I am happy to appreciate your point of view too! But it’s a bit fanatic to think that’s the only one… all the best in life 🙂

      • abhijit bandhu says:

        Hi Rajashree,

        Very kind of you. Thank you very much. I am not into blogging. I am a casual writer who writes poems, feelings which I feel from my heart. I just came across this article in FB and wrote some comment. So my friend’s wife had advised me to write my reply to this blog directly. And hence I get appreciation from a National Award winner and a proud mom. Really a great motivation for me. Thank you very much once again. Congrats for you award and hope in near future you will again start winning many awards.

        Regards,
        Abhijit Bandhu

    • Suchismita Dasgupta says:

      My god Abhijit, in my opinion you are the one who is radical here! You show off money (feeding milk to orphan, shiva etc.) You don’t even believe in ‘freedom’ in fact you seem to think you have control over how much freedom one should have.
      So I wont waste my time by talking to you about rationality! Surely, that’s a word missing in your dictionary…. all the best to you and yours!!!!

      • abhijit bandhu says:

        If you really think the feel of my reply/comment is “SHOW OFF”, “Control freedom” then I am sorry to say that you haven’t understand my comment. Please read again.

    • kashyap2016 says:

      I agree with you to a great extent

  28. gracelynn67 says:

    Nothing long-winded, I just want to say “thank you” for articulating what many of us feel. Bravo Suchismita!

  29. Jones says:

    ….

    All I’ve got to say is a

    THANK YOU…..!!!

    Please continue writing the way you’ve done..

    Ps…. I’ve been searching for an answer for a very long time…

  30. EJW says:

    I am the father of two children. My daughter is 25 and in the early stages of her career. She is not married yet and may not for a time. I am most proud of her independence and drive in her pursuit of her own life. Your writing about your personal truths from within a prism of a culture very different and yet very similar to ours is most enriching. To realize that the dignity of women across the globe is marching forward. Your work contributes to my confidence in the stature of all women of which my daughter is just one.

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